4am

I feel dead. I feel like my life has been drained from me.

He and I were up until 4am.. being honest.

Around 1, he wanted to spend the night in her bed. And I was upset. I don’t sleep well without him and at the time, I still thought all they had done was make out and hold hands. And I knew he had been down her shirt.

Finally he gave in and came to my room. He was pissed.. no.. livid. I was balling, miserable, ready to break up so he could be happy.. I was begging him to leave me.. I can’t leave him.. I’ve made my choice, I can’t go against that.

When I get this way, crying uncontrollably, he loves me. No matter how pissed off he is. Kissing me, hands caressing me, PG at first.

I don’t remember everything that was said. There was a point when he was hard and I was horny and I said the wrong thing, and he pushed away.. And I told him he could think about her if he needed to. He turned back to me and said he didn’t..

Then he was touching me underneath my panties, and I had him in my hand, and I told him to tell me.. to be honest.. He asked how detailed I wanted him to be.. I told him not to hold back.

So as we are laying in our bed, fondling eachother intimately, he is telling me how far they’ve gone in much more detail than I care to relive…

They made out. He fondled her breasts. She’s gotten him off. He has fingered her, and gotten her off.

Sometime during the details, I started crying again. My heart was breaking. And I began to realize how stupid I was for fighting him to stay with me that night.. I mean.. what was I fighting except to keep them from doing things… they’ve already done?

And now that they have the ball rolling, there is no stopping it. He will eventually stay with her all night. They will eventually have sex.

Oh. She has herpes, btw.

At least I feel like I can trust him again. Honesty sucks. But we needed it. We have to be honest if this is going to work..

While I was still crying, he asked how I was taking it.. I started to lie I was fine.. But ended up saying it was a lie, I wasn’t fine, I was hurting. And he just loved on me more. Until I fell asleep.

Advertisements

Clean slate forward

Going home is a weird experience anymore. I mean.. I can’t wait to see my man, I love his company. After all, he has been my best friend and lover since 2012. 

But lately all we do is argue. In April, for the first time since I met him, we had a fight. We never used to fight. And all we have done since then.. is fight. Or argue. Trying to talk about anything leads back to raised voices and raw emotions and someone threatening to leave and I end up in tears, begging..

Last night is a blur. We all sat down, opened up, communicated. All three of us. I vaguely remember promising to try and let go of the grudge I have against her. I vagely remember her making some promise.. not to be a smart ass. He promised to communicate better.

We all promised to communicate better. Apparently the slate is clean and we are all starting from here and moving forward..

So I guess I need to swallow my pride. Give her another chance.. Give him space to breathe.. find some way to deal with these changes I’ve chosen to live with.

When I did get home from work, she wasn’t there yet. He was.. He seemed better. He aggravated me like he used to.. tickles, touching, flirting…

Needles to say, we had a bit of fun while we were alone.

However, I am dreading her return from work..