The chill-the-fuck-out List

Well last night didn’t exactly go as expected..

First, I didn’t sit in the middle.

Second, apparently things don’t happen between us ladies unless alcohol is involved.

I hate alcohol. I’m an addict, trying to quit. I drink it because it numbs the pain..

…. So anyway, she and I got drunk again. We made out, fondled a bit.. at some point she was elsewhere and I was trying to seduce him.. I wanted him. Badly.

But then she threw up.. and my BAC got high..

I didn’t throw up, but my willingness to participate died. My jealousy kicked in. And I killed the vibe by being overly honest because my filter went away with the rise of my BAC..

I have to remind myself.. I made the choice to stay and deal with it all. My choice. My consequences.

So in an attempt to deal better, I made a list of all the things that are good about this situation. The idea is that when I become upset, angry, jealous, generally negative, I look at this list and try to chill the fuck out. Whatever I can do to cope..

1. She has some money. He keeps the purse strings happy, or they close. We all benefit from an extra paycheck. Which leads me to..

2. Stability..

3. He can make me more comfortable now.

4. Which helps him to make me happy.

5. Stability means we can finally try for a baby. IΒ have names..

6. Also, stability = a house.

7. More sex, more often. He fucks her then comes to me to tell me all about it.. then proceeds to fuck me because talking to me about it gets him horny.. the rise in him always gets me wet..

8. A second woman keeps him happy.

9. Him being happy keeps stress off me.

10. She takes a portion of responsibility, which takes stress off me.

As far as I’ve found, it’s the best method to defeat my negativity.

But it still has holes. Like.. this is not the life I want, this is the life I have agreed to. At least I don’t cried as much.

But I never get a break from her. She’s either texting him while he and I are together or she’s there with us. I’m getting over whelmed. I am not a people person, not in the slightest.

I tend to feel comfortable in aΒ limited group of people.. group being a liberal word here.. think one.. maybe two people at a time.. and that’s all I need. And these people I allow in my “group” are vetted thoroughly before I let them in. Her being around so much I become a raw, worn down, drained.. alcoholic.

I can’t be comfortable around her.. I cant be myself in my own house. I’m tired of wondering when I will have to sleep alone for the night. That’s a huge thing for me..

Deep breath in..

Deep breath out..

This is positive.

This is good.

I can be happy.

Happiness is a choice..

I made my bed.

PS- He only told me he was thinking about leaving her.. to get me to calm down and shut up.

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Intimate Fun

He and I just spent.. several hours in bed. 

It started out weird..

I had been asking him to play with me the last couple days, I needed release. But he hasn’t wanted to because of all the fighting. Not that I blame him..

But he helped me anyway.. and we both got off. And then we just kept touching eachother. Talking. About us, and her, and him and her, and me and her, and all three together..

And our spark came back.. and we went again. And he was whispering in my ear all kinds of nasty things involving the three of us.

And it was good.

He started off simple, little things he knew I liked.. then he expanded on things I might like.. naturally, he was right..

Near the end, he used his phone to find and play audio of lesbian women moaning and we were done, together.

We came once again together.. aimple passion, just us.. then I took a shower, and he stroked himself watching me. It was good.

Oh.. apparently tonight I’m sitting in between them on the couch..

4am

I feel dead. I feel like my life has been drained from me.

He and I were up until 4am.. being honest.

Around 1, he wanted to spend the night in her bed. And I was upset. I don’t sleep well without him and at the time, I still thought all they had done was make out and hold hands. And I knew he had been down her shirt.

Finally he gave in and came to my room. He was pissed.. no.. livid. I was balling, miserable, ready to break up so he could be happy.. I was begging him to leave me.. I can’t leave him.. I’ve made my choice, I can’t go against that.

When I get this way, crying uncontrollably, he loves me. No matter how pissed off he is. Kissing me, hands caressing me, PG at first.

I don’t remember everything that was said. There was a point when he was hard and I was horny and I said the wrong thing, and he pushed away.. And I told him he could think about her if he needed to. He turned back to me and said he didn’t..

Then he was touching me underneath my panties, and I had him in my hand, and I told him to tell me.. to be honest.. He asked how detailed I wanted him to be.. I told him not to hold back.

So as we are laying in our bed, fondling eachother intimately, he is telling me how far they’ve gone in much more detail than I care to relive…

They made out. He fondled her breasts. She’s gotten him off. He has fingered her, and gotten her off.

Sometime during the details, I started crying again. My heart was breaking. And I began to realize how stupid I was for fighting him to stay with me that night.. I mean.. what was I fighting except to keep them from doing things… they’ve already done?

And now that they have the ball rolling, there is no stopping it. He will eventually stay with her all night. They will eventually have sex.

Oh. She has herpes, btw.

At least I feel like I can trust him again. Honesty sucks. But we needed it. We have to be honest if this is going to work..

While I was still crying, he asked how I was taking it.. I started to lie I was fine.. But ended up saying it was a lie, I wasn’t fine, I was hurting. And he just loved on me more. Until I fell asleep.