The chill-the-fuck-out List

Well last night didn’t exactly go as expected..

First, I didn’t sit in the middle.

Second, apparently things don’t happen between us ladies unless alcohol is involved.

I hate alcohol. I’m an addict, trying to quit. I drink it because it numbs the pain..

…. So anyway, she and I got drunk again. We made out, fondled a bit.. at some point she was elsewhere and I was trying to seduce him.. I wanted him. Badly.

But then she threw up.. and my BAC got high..

I didn’t throw up, but my willingness to participate died. My jealousy kicked in. And I killed the vibe by being overly honest because my filter went away with the rise of my BAC..

I have to remind myself.. I made the choice to stay and deal with it all. My choice. My consequences.

So in an attempt to deal better, I made a list of all the things that are good about this situation. The idea is that when I become upset, angry, jealous, generally negative, I look at this list and try to chill the fuck out. Whatever I can do to cope..

1. She has some money. He keeps the purse strings happy, or they close. We all benefit from an extra paycheck. Which leads me to..

2. Stability..

3. He can make me more comfortable now.

4. Which helps him to make me happy.

5. Stability means we can finally try for a baby. IΒ have names..

6. Also, stability = a house.

7. More sex, more often. He fucks her then comes to me to tell me all about it.. then proceeds to fuck me because talking to me about it gets him horny.. the rise in him always gets me wet..

8. A second woman keeps him happy.

9. Him being happy keeps stress off me.

10. She takes a portion of responsibility, which takes stress off me.

As far as I’ve found, it’s the best method to defeat my negativity.

But it still has holes. Like.. this is not the life I want, this is the life I have agreed to. At least I don’t cried as much.

But I never get a break from her. She’s either texting him while he and I are together or she’s there with us. I’m getting over whelmed. I am not a people person, not in the slightest.

I tend to feel comfortable in aΒ limited group of people.. group being a liberal word here.. think one.. maybe two people at a time.. and that’s all I need. And these people I allow in my “group” are vetted thoroughly before I let them in. Her being around so much I become a raw, worn down, drained.. alcoholic.

I can’t be comfortable around her.. I cant be myself in my own house. I’m tired of wondering when I will have to sleep alone for the night. That’s a huge thing for me..

Deep breath in..

Deep breath out..

This is positive.

This is good.

I can be happy.

Happiness is a choice..

I made my bed.

PS- He only told me he was thinking about leaving her.. to get me to calm down and shut up.