The chill-the-fuck-out List

Well last night didn’t exactly go as expected..

First, I didn’t sit in the middle.

Second, apparently things don’t happen between us ladies unless alcohol is involved.

I hate alcohol. I’m an addict, trying to quit. I drink it because it numbs the pain..

…. So anyway, she and I got drunk again. We made out, fondled a bit.. at some point she was elsewhere and I was trying to seduce him.. I wanted him. Badly.

But then she threw up.. and my BAC got high..

I didn’t throw up, but my willingness to participate died. My jealousy kicked in. And I killed the vibe by being overly honest because my filter went away with the rise of my BAC..

I have to remind myself.. I made the choice to stay and deal with it all. My choice. My consequences.

So in an attempt to deal better, I made a list of all the things that are good about this situation. The idea is that when I become upset, angry, jealous, generally negative, I look at this list and try to chill the fuck out. Whatever I can do to cope..

1. She has some money. He keeps the purse strings happy, or they close. We all benefit from an extra paycheck. Which leads me to..

2. Stability..

3. He can make me more comfortable now.

4. Which helps him to make me happy.

5. Stability means we can finally try for a baby. Iย have names..

6. Also, stability = a house.

7. More sex, more often. He fucks her then comes to me to tell me all about it.. then proceeds to fuck me because talking to me about it gets him horny.. the rise in him always gets me wet..

8. A second woman keeps him happy.

9. Him being happy keeps stress off me.

10. She takes a portion of responsibility, which takes stress off me.

As far as I’ve found, it’s the best method to defeat my negativity.

But it still has holes. Like.. this is not the life I want, this is the life I have agreed to. At least I don’t cried as much.

But I never get a break from her. She’s either texting him while he and I are together or she’s there with us. I’m getting over whelmed. I am not a people person, not in the slightest.

I tend to feel comfortable in aย limited group of people.. group being a liberal word here.. think one.. maybe two people at a time.. and that’s all I need. And these people I allow in my “group” are vetted thoroughly before I let them in. Her being around so much I become a raw, worn down, drained.. alcoholic.

I can’t be comfortable around her.. I cant be myself in my own house. I’m tired of wondering when I will have to sleep alone for the night. That’s a huge thing for me..

Deep breath in..

Deep breath out..

This is positive.

This is good.

I can be happy.

Happiness is a choice..

I made my bed.

PS- He only told me he was thinking about leaving her.. to get me to calm down and shut up.


Intimate Fun

He and I just spent.. several hours in bed. 

It started out weird..

I had been asking him to play with me the last couple days, I needed release. But he hasn’t wanted to because of all the fighting. Not that I blame him..

But he helped me anyway.. and we both got off. And then we just kept touching eachother. Talking. About us, and her, and him and her, and me and her, and all three together..

And our spark came back.. and we went again. And he was whispering in my ear all kinds of nasty things involving the three of us.

And it was good.

He started off simple, little things he knew I liked.. then he expanded on things I might like.. naturally, he was right..

Near the end, he used his phone to find and play audio of lesbian women moaning and we were done, together.

We came once again together.. aimple passion, just us.. then I took a shower, and he stroked himself watching me. It was good.

Oh.. apparently tonight I’m sitting in between them on the couch..

Keeping it close

I haven’t posted because.. what do I say?

I’ll back up.

After my last post, he did something [small] that upset me. I cried over the dishes. He came to give me a hug from behind, turned me around, and noticed the tears.

He said he hates hurting me and was seriously looking for a way to push her out of our lives.

A: relief.
B: dread.

A: I want her gone, I want my life back. I want him to myself.
B: if it isnt her, it’ll be someone else. My life is forever changed, regardless. I will never have him to myself. And if he pushes her away, he won’t be happy either.

I calmed down. I stopped fighting. I tried to be more open.

Then we got drunk and she and I ended up in her room. Naked. I hated myself the next day. Regardless, the next day we got drunk again. But this time he tried to join and I couldn’t handle it. I guess on some level I thought if I could please her, she wouldn’t want him. And I could have him to myself again.

Talk about keeping the enemy close..

Now I’m trying to deal, again. I’m trying harder to be grateful for what I do have. Things like a roof, food, oxygen, having a job, the time he does spend with me.

But I also want to bolt. If I’m to be grateful, I need to focus on my happiness. My happiness was with him, the way we were. Not the way we are. And it’ll never change. But I’ve made the determination to stay and make it work.