The chill-the-fuck-out List

Well last night didn’t exactly go as expected..

First, I didn’t sit in the middle.

Second, apparently things don’t happen between us ladies unless alcohol is involved.

I hate alcohol. I’m an addict, trying to quit. I drink it because it numbs the pain..

…. So anyway, she and I got drunk again. We made out, fondled a bit.. at some point she was elsewhere and I was trying to seduce him.. I wanted him. Badly.

But then she threw up.. and my BAC got high..

I didn’t throw up, but my willingness to participate died. My jealousy kicked in. And I killed the vibe by being overly honest because my filter went away with the rise of my BAC..

I have to remind myself.. I made the choice to stay and deal with it all. My choice. My consequences.

So in an attempt to deal better, I made a list of all the things that are good about this situation. The idea is that when I become upset, angry, jealous, generally negative, I look at this list and try to chill the fuck out. Whatever I can do to cope..

1. She has some money. He keeps the purse strings happy, or they close. We all benefit from an extra paycheck. Which leads me to..

2. Stability..

3. He can make me more comfortable now.

4. Which helps him to make me happy.

5. Stability means we can finally try for a baby. IΒ have names..

6. Also, stability = a house.

7. More sex, more often. He fucks her then comes to me to tell me all about it.. then proceeds to fuck me because talking to me about it gets him horny.. the rise in him always gets me wet..

8. A second woman keeps him happy.

9. Him being happy keeps stress off me.

10. She takes a portion of responsibility, which takes stress off me.

As far as I’ve found, it’s the best method to defeat my negativity.

But it still has holes. Like.. this is not the life I want, this is the life I have agreed to. At least I don’t cried as much.

But I never get a break from her. She’s either texting him while he and I are together or she’s there with us. I’m getting over whelmed. I am not a people person, not in the slightest.

I tend to feel comfortable in aΒ limited group of people.. group being a liberal word here.. think one.. maybe two people at a time.. and that’s all I need. And these people I allow in my “group” are vetted thoroughly before I let them in. Her being around so much I become a raw, worn down, drained.. alcoholic.

I can’t be comfortable around her.. I cant be myself in my own house. I’m tired of wondering when I will have to sleep alone for the night. That’s a huge thing for me..

Deep breath in..

Deep breath out..

This is positive.

This is good.

I can be happy.

Happiness is a choice..

I made my bed.

PS- He only told me he was thinking about leaving her.. to get me to calm down and shut up.

4am

I feel dead. I feel like my life has been drained from me.

He and I were up until 4am.. being honest.

Around 1, he wanted to spend the night in her bed. And I was upset. I don’t sleep well without him and at the time, I still thought all they had done was make out and hold hands. And I knew he had been down her shirt.

Finally he gave in and came to my room. He was pissed.. no.. livid. I was balling, miserable, ready to break up so he could be happy.. I was begging him to leave me.. I can’t leave him.. I’ve made my choice, I can’t go against that.

When I get this way, crying uncontrollably, he loves me. No matter how pissed off he is. Kissing me, hands caressing me, PG at first.

I don’t remember everything that was said. There was a point when he was hard and I was horny and I said the wrong thing, and he pushed away.. And I told him he could think about her if he needed to. He turned back to me and said he didn’t..

Then he was touching me underneath my panties, and I had him in my hand, and I told him to tell me.. to be honest.. He asked how detailed I wanted him to be.. I told him not to hold back.

So as we are laying in our bed, fondling eachother intimately, he is telling me how far they’ve gone in much more detail than I care to relive…

They made out. He fondled her breasts. She’s gotten him off. He has fingered her, and gotten her off.

Sometime during the details, I started crying again. My heart was breaking. And I began to realize how stupid I was for fighting him to stay with me that night.. I mean.. what was I fighting except to keep them from doing things… they’ve already done?

And now that they have the ball rolling, there is no stopping it. He will eventually stay with her all night. They will eventually have sex.

Oh. She has herpes, btw.

At least I feel like I can trust him again. Honesty sucks. But we needed it. We have to be honest if this is going to work..

While I was still crying, he asked how I was taking it.. I started to lie I was fine.. But ended up saying it was a lie, I wasn’t fine, I was hurting. And he just loved on me more. Until I fell asleep.

Keeping it close

I haven’t posted because.. what do I say?

I’ll back up.

After my last post, he did something [small] that upset me. I cried over the dishes. He came to give me a hug from behind, turned me around, and noticed the tears.

He said he hates hurting me and was seriously looking for a way to push her out of our lives.

A: relief.
B: dread.

A: I want her gone, I want my life back. I want him to myself.
B: if it isnt her, it’ll be someone else. My life is forever changed, regardless. I will never have him to myself. And if he pushes her away, he won’t be happy either.

I calmed down. I stopped fighting. I tried to be more open.

Then we got drunk and she and I ended up in her room. Naked. I hated myself the next day. Regardless, the next day we got drunk again. But this time he tried to join and I couldn’t handle it. I guess on some level I thought if I could please her, she wouldn’t want him. And I could have him to myself again.

Talk about keeping the enemy close..

Now I’m trying to deal, again. I’m trying harder to be grateful for what I do have. Things like a roof, food, oxygen, having a job, the time he does spend with me.

But I also want to bolt. If I’m to be grateful, I need to focus on my happiness. My happiness was with him, the way we were. Not the way we are. And it’ll never change. But I’ve made the determination to stay and make it work. 

Clean slate forward

Going home is a weird experience anymore. I mean.. I can’t wait to see my man, I love his company. After all, he has been my best friend and lover since 2012. 

But lately all we do is argue. In April, for the first time since I met him, we had a fight. We never used to fight. And all we have done since then.. is fight. Or argue. Trying to talk about anything leads back to raised voices and raw emotions and someone threatening to leave and I end up in tears, begging..

Last night is a blur. We all sat down, opened up, communicated. All three of us. I vaguely remember promising to try and let go of the grudge I have against her. I vagely remember her making some promise.. not to be a smart ass. He promised to communicate better.

We all promised to communicate better. Apparently the slate is clean and we are all starting from here and moving forward..

So I guess I need to swallow my pride. Give her another chance.. Give him space to breathe.. find some way to deal with these changes I’ve chosen to live with.

When I did get home from work, she wasn’t there yet. He was.. He seemed better. He aggravated me like he used to.. tickles, touching, flirting…

Needles to say, we had a bit of fun while we were alone.

However, I am dreading her return from work..

Rambles

He and I were talking. He knows his choice has made me miserable, he wants me to be happy. I know I’m making him miserable and I want him to be happy. Unfortunately, what makes me happy is her leaving. And what makes him happy is having us both. 

There really isn’t much compromise. We only have so many options right now.

1. I leave.
2. She leaves.
3. He leaves us.
4. We all go our separate ways.
5. We make it work.

No, he won’t chose between us. It’s either both or neither.

3 and 4 are incredibly unlikely. No they aren’t the same. 3 he leaves, and she and I work together to make it work. 4 we all disperse separately.

Then there’s 5. I don’t want it. But apparently I’m the only one who hates that plan.

Anyone still reading this may ask me why I chose to stay with him. Up until a week ago I was asking myself that question everyday..

I know poly relationships have a lot of good in them, and are positive. But honestly I am so deep in the negative pool, I can’t see any good any where in the world, let alone my own life.

The more I drown in negative, the more negative my life becomes. 

Poly relationships can seriously tear at your soul if you let it. It feeds off of any negativity and insecurity you had before..

But if you let them, they can be tremendosly helpful. Happy. Full of love.

I just can’t get over the woman he chose.