Keeping it close

I haven’t posted because.. what do I say?

I’ll back up.

After my last post, he did something [small] that upset me. I cried over the dishes. He came to give me a hug from behind, turned me around, and noticed the tears.

He said he hates hurting me and was seriously looking for a way to push her out of our lives.

A: relief.
B: dread.

A: I want her gone, I want my life back. I want him to myself.
B: if it isnt her, it’ll be someone else. My life is forever changed, regardless. I will never have him to myself. And if he pushes her away, he won’t be happy either.

I calmed down. I stopped fighting. I tried to be more open.

Then we got drunk and she and I ended up in her room. Naked. I hated myself the next day. Regardless, the next day we got drunk again. But this time he tried to join and I couldn’t handle it. I guess on some level I thought if I could please her, she wouldn’t want him. And I could have him to myself again.

Talk about keeping the enemy close..

Now I’m trying to deal, again. I’m trying harder to be grateful for what I do have. Things like a roof, food, oxygen, having a job, the time he does spend with me.

But I also want to bolt. If I’m to be grateful, I need to focus on my happiness. My happiness was with him, the way we were. Not the way we are. And it’ll never change. But I’ve made the determination to stay and make it work. 

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